Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
IVF = Fail
The title of this post pretty much sums it up. I'm going to keep it brief at this point because I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this.
I decided to POAS on Friday morning (9dp3dt) just because I couldn't hold out any longer. Negative. My RE's nurse just happened to call and check in that afternoon, so I confessed that I took a test. She told me that it might still be too early and to try again tomorrow or Sunday. I tested again on Saturday. Another negative. Cue the bright red spotting just as I was getting ready to head out to a fellow IFer's baby shower (if this isn't irony, I don't know what is).
The spotting only lasted for a few hours then stopped. Maybe late implantation? When I woke up on Sunday morning, there was blood, blood, and more blood. There may have been some small clots but it was really hard to tell. I had a strong feeling that this was all over on Friday, but this definitely confirmed it for me.
I dutifully continued my progesterone and baby aspirin regimen as directed by my RE even though I knew it was worthless at this point. I went in for my beta this morning and to talk about FET with RE nurse. Since my clinic is military-run, fresh IVF cycles are not performed every month. FETs are scheduled based on fresh IVF cycles. The next fresh cycle isn't scheduled until August, which means no FET for me until August. Looks like I'll start BCPs and L.upron sometime in July.
Beta results came in around 2:30 this afternoon - HCG = 0.5 and progesterone = 8.7. While my RE nurse told me that the progesterone is on the low side because of the lack of HCG in my system, I still want to pursue other options/tests before FET.
Emotionally and mentally, I'm drained. I cried all morning on Friday. Cried Saturday. Cried Sunday. Cried this afternoon. I can't cry anymore. The odds were in our favor this time - 2 "perfect" embryos were transferred and my body, for some reason, couldn't support them. I feel so defeated. So lost. Heartbroken. I guess all I can do now is focus on losing these 10 pounds from these meds and be healthier for FET. Maybe next time our ending will be a happy one.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
To all my ladies out there struggling with infertility - I understand how much today sucks. For those who have been blessed with babies, but only to lose them too soon - I understand how much today sucks. We are still mothers even though our children aren't here with us physically. They're still in our hearts though and will remain there forever.
I really hope by the time this day rolls around next year, I'll be what society deems a "real" mother. I hope that so many of you who are struggling with infertility and loss can say the same also.
To my mommy friends - I wish a Happy Mother's Day to you too - I may be jealous of what you have, but I appreciate you and think you're the luckiest women in the world. Give your children big hugs today and be thankful that you have someone to call you mom.
I also wanted to end this post with a poem I found over at Megan's blog. I think it sums up today very well.
“Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
Household6Diva and Riding the Roller Coaster are hosting a blog hop in honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day.
I saw this posted on a fellow military spouse's Facebook page and thought it would be perfect for Military Spouse Appreciation Day. I love all my fellow military spouses! I don't know what I would do without you all.
Lots of moving...
Moving...
Moving...
Moving far from home...
Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course.
Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIShouse; Moving curtains that won't fit; Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.
Moving away from friends;
Moving toward new friends;
Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories.
Often waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting for housing.
Waiting for orders.
Waiting for deployments.
Waiting for phone calls.
Waiting for reunions.
Waiting for the new curtains to arrive.
Waiting for him to come home,
For dinner...AGAIN!
They call her 'Military Dependent', but she knows better:
She is fiercely In-Dependent.
She can balance a check book;
Handle the yard work;
Fix a noisy toilet;
Bury the family pet...
She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes;
Sell a house;
Buy a car;
Or set up a move...
.....all with ONE Power of Attorney.
She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her.
She reinvents her career with every PCS; Locates a house in the desert, The Arctic, Or the deep south.
And learns to call them all 'home'.
She MAKES them all home.
Military Wives are somewhat hasty...
They leap into:
Decorating,
Leadership,
Volunteering,
Career alternatives,
Churches,
And friendships.
They don't have 15 years to get to know people.
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.
Military Wives quickly learn to value each other:
They connect over coffee,
Rely on the spouse network,
Accept offers of friendship and favors.
Record addresses in pencil...
Military Wives have a common bond:
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique.
He doesn't have a 'JOB'
He has a 'MISSION' that he can't just decide to quit...
He's on-call for his country 24/7.
But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town!
His language is foreign
TDY
PCS
OPR
SOS
ACC
BDU
ACU
BAR
CIB
TAD
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long- distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together.
A Military Wife has her moments:
She wants to wring his neck;
Dye his uniform pink;
Refuse to move to Siberia;
But she pulls herself together.
Give her a few days,
A travel brochure,
A long hot bath,
A pledge to the flag,
A wedding picture,
And she goes.
She packs.
She moves.
She follows.
Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart .
It was stolen from her by a man,
Who puts duty first,
Who longs to deploy,
Who salutes the flag,
And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband, She will remain his military wife.
And would have it no other way.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
3 Day Transfer
Yesterday afternoon I received another phone call from Dr. P. concerning our remaining 9 embryos. I was told that 7 of the 9 were still growing strong, but the other 2 were lagging behind. I asked if they were going to be discarded and Dr. P told me "No, we'll keep an eye on them until tomorrow." I was told that my embryo transfer was scheduled for 3:00 PM the next day (Today).
Last night, I had to take what seemed like a hundred pills. I had my last antibiotic pill, 4 M.edrols, and my baby aspirin. In addition to all that, I also had to take 2 V.aliums to help relax my uterus in preparation for transfer. Also, I had to shove so much darn progesterone up my lady bits - 1 E.ndometrin, 2 vaginal suppositories, and an applicator filled with progesterone gel. The gel kept seeping out, so I had a breakdown and called Nurse D at almost 11 last night. She told me to wait awhile so the other capsules could be absorbed and try again. The second time around was a success - what a relief!
Since my transfer wasn't scheduled until 3:00, I decided to teach today. Wednesdays are early release for the students, so it worked out perfectly (I will be taking the day off tomorrow and keeping my feet up) I left school at 1:50, drove over to meet E at his office, and popped my last V.alium. One of the downsides to a transfer is the fact that you're required to have a full bladder. I started chugging water at noon and by the time 3:00 rolled around, I was extremely uncomfortable. There were 3 other couples waiting before us at the clinic, so I didn't even get taken back until after 4:00. By this point, I was doing the pee dance like a 5 year old would, so the nurse let me empty out a little bit.
Thankfully right after this, I was called back into the room. I stripped down from the waist down and Nurse D told me that I was going to get a booster trigger shot to aid in implantation. I wasn't aware of this, but what's one more shot at this point? The shot was painless and we moved onto the actual transfer.
My feet were put up in the stirrups, the speculum was inserted, my cervix was cleaned off, and in went the catheter. The embryologist confirmed my name and asked how many embryos we were transferring. I told her "2". After that, we watched up on the ultrasound screen and saw our 2 little embryos deposited safely into my uterus. Now we play the waiting game. My first beta isn't scheduled until May 21. Such a long time to go!
Also, some other good news. We ended up with 6 embryos to freeze. 1 of the stragglers made a comeback! We ended up transferring 2, 8-cell, grade I embryos (My clinic's top-rated embryos). We're freezing another 8-cell, grade I embryo, 5, 6-cell embryos (mixed grade I and grade II) and a 4-cell, grade II embryo. We paid the last of our fees for the cryopreservation and storage. Glad to be down with the payments.
Now we wait. This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life.
I'll leave you all with a picture of our embryos being transferred. I can't stop looking at it. Love at first sight. Embies - please snuggle in and hang out for the next 9 months. Mommy loves you already.
(It's hard to tell, but the 2 larger white specks in the
center of the picture are our embryos!)
Monday, May 7, 2012
ER and a Fert Report
A lot has happened since I last posted 2 days ago. I had my egg retrieval surgery yesterday afternoon and I received our fertilization report this afternoon.
First off - the ER
E and I arrived at the fertility clinic around 11:40 yesterday to fill out some paperwork and drop some more money for ICSI (For those not up on your infertility lingo - ICSI is when the sperm is directly injected into the egg). Next, Dr. P. brought us back to a room to review the anesthesia process. We signed some paperwork and he asked if we had any questions. The only one I could come up with was, "Can they stick the IV needle in my arm and leave my hand alone?" Yes, a strange request but I had a terrible experience with a nurse trying to ram the IV needle in my hand when I had my D&C in GA.
Next, Nurse D came and lead me back to the bathroom so I could change. After that, I was brought into the room where the procedure would occur. I met the anesthesiologist and asked her if Nurse D could come in the room. I was feeling anxious at this point and really wanted someone in the room who I knew. Nurse D came in, sat down next to me, and held my hand. I don't remember much after that. The last thing I remember is asking the anesthesiologist if she started running the medicine to my IV yet. I guess that stuff works pretty quickly!
According to E, we were in the recovery room for about a half hour after the procedure was over with. I think I probably only remember the last ten minutes of this. He told me that Dr. P. came in the room and told us that they retrieved 11 eggs and that he was very proud of me and happy with the number. E said that I begged the nurse for some T.ylenol, but then I had trouble getting the pills into my mouth. They kept falling out. How embarrassing! The only thing I really remember is getting dressed and walking out of the clinic to the car.
After leaving the clinic, we headed home so I could sleep the anesthesia off and put my feet up. I started a new round of meds last night - an antibiotic to ward off any possible infection from the ER, baby aspirin, M.edrol to aid with implanation, and last but not least, the progesterone. I only take the antibiotic and the M.edrol for four days, but will stay on the baby aspirin and progesterone for awhile (hopefully through that first trimester!).
I headed back to school this morning, despite some lingering pain, because my student teaching timeline is very tight. I waited impatiently for Dr. P. to call with my fertilization report. Finally, around 3:00, my phone started ringing. Dr. P. told me that 9 out of our 11 eggs fertilized and that my transfer would be scheduled for Wednesday. Such exciting news! Dr. P. will call tomorrow afternoon with a follow up report as well as with exact details for our transfer. It looks like we will stick to our plan and put back two embies.
Hoping to write another wonderful update on Wednesday after my transfer. Right now, we're hoping that all 9 continue to grow and that we will have 7 to freeze.
First off - the ER
E and I arrived at the fertility clinic around 11:40 yesterday to fill out some paperwork and drop some more money for ICSI (For those not up on your infertility lingo - ICSI is when the sperm is directly injected into the egg). Next, Dr. P. brought us back to a room to review the anesthesia process. We signed some paperwork and he asked if we had any questions. The only one I could come up with was, "Can they stick the IV needle in my arm and leave my hand alone?" Yes, a strange request but I had a terrible experience with a nurse trying to ram the IV needle in my hand when I had my D&C in GA.
Next, Nurse D came and lead me back to the bathroom so I could change. After that, I was brought into the room where the procedure would occur. I met the anesthesiologist and asked her if Nurse D could come in the room. I was feeling anxious at this point and really wanted someone in the room who I knew. Nurse D came in, sat down next to me, and held my hand. I don't remember much after that. The last thing I remember is asking the anesthesiologist if she started running the medicine to my IV yet. I guess that stuff works pretty quickly!
According to E, we were in the recovery room for about a half hour after the procedure was over with. I think I probably only remember the last ten minutes of this. He told me that Dr. P. came in the room and told us that they retrieved 11 eggs and that he was very proud of me and happy with the number. E said that I begged the nurse for some T.ylenol, but then I had trouble getting the pills into my mouth. They kept falling out. How embarrassing! The only thing I really remember is getting dressed and walking out of the clinic to the car.
After leaving the clinic, we headed home so I could sleep the anesthesia off and put my feet up. I started a new round of meds last night - an antibiotic to ward off any possible infection from the ER, baby aspirin, M.edrol to aid with implanation, and last but not least, the progesterone. I only take the antibiotic and the M.edrol for four days, but will stay on the baby aspirin and progesterone for awhile (hopefully through that first trimester!).
I headed back to school this morning, despite some lingering pain, because my student teaching timeline is very tight. I waited impatiently for Dr. P. to call with my fertilization report. Finally, around 3:00, my phone started ringing. Dr. P. told me that 9 out of our 11 eggs fertilized and that my transfer would be scheduled for Wednesday. Such exciting news! Dr. P. will call tomorrow afternoon with a follow up report as well as with exact details for our transfer. It looks like we will stick to our plan and put back two embies.
Hoping to write another wonderful update on Wednesday after my transfer. Right now, we're hoping that all 9 continue to grow and that we will have 7 to freeze.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Getting Ready For Retrieval
Yesterday, I was given the go-ahead to trigger at midnight instead of 1:00 AM. A slot opened up on Sunday and my surgery got pushed from 1:00 PM to noon. One less hour of not eating = one happy Lauren. I was a little apprehensive about the trigger shot since I've never had to experience an IM trigger shot before. I was also nervous because E has never administered a shot before.
Around 11:45, I got up from my mini-nap and started prepping the needle. I carefully drew up the diluent, carefully injected it into the powder, and let it sit until the solution was clear. About 10 minutes later, I woke E up and told him that it was time. My adrenaline was really flowing at that point as I braced for the pain. E cleaned off the injection site, pulled the skin tight, and asked if I was ready. I told him to just go ahead and get it over with and before I knew it, the injection was given. E must have done a fabulous job because I didn't feel a thing. I do have to say that my butt hurts today though.
This morning, I headed over to the hospital to get my blood drawn to ensure that the trigger shot was administered correctly. Since it was the weekend, I ended up waiting over a half hour for the blood draw. The nurse rolled my vein the first time, so she had to stick me again. Ugh. Nurse D called about 15 minutes ago to let me know that my labs looked great and that I should be down at the clinic no later than 11:45 tomorrow morning.
I was also instructed to bring my big ass bag of post-retrieval meds so we can review them after the surgery.
I'm still feeling a bit nervous for tomorrow but I'm so ready to finish up with this cycle. I'd appreciate some good thoughts for tomorrow! Hope everyone is having a great weekend :)
Around 11:45, I got up from my mini-nap and started prepping the needle. I carefully drew up the diluent, carefully injected it into the powder, and let it sit until the solution was clear. About 10 minutes later, I woke E up and told him that it was time. My adrenaline was really flowing at that point as I braced for the pain. E cleaned off the injection site, pulled the skin tight, and asked if I was ready. I told him to just go ahead and get it over with and before I knew it, the injection was given. E must have done a fabulous job because I didn't feel a thing. I do have to say that my butt hurts today though.
This morning, I headed over to the hospital to get my blood drawn to ensure that the trigger shot was administered correctly. Since it was the weekend, I ended up waiting over a half hour for the blood draw. The nurse rolled my vein the first time, so she had to stick me again. Ugh. Nurse D called about 15 minutes ago to let me know that my labs looked great and that I should be down at the clinic no later than 11:45 tomorrow morning.
I was also instructed to bring my big ass bag of post-retrieval meds so we can review them after the surgery.
(Holy meds!)
I'm still feeling a bit nervous for tomorrow but I'm so ready to finish up with this cycle. I'd appreciate some good thoughts for tomorrow! Hope everyone is having a great weekend :)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Another IVF Update
1,308!
That's my estradiol level! Nurse D called this afternoon to let me know that my levels went from 247 on Tuesday to 1,308 today. What a jump! I definitely wasn't expecting it to be that high at all.
My ultrasound also went very well. My lining is at 14 (the highest it's ever been at) and Dr. P. counted 13 follicles. There were more but Nurse D told me he gets lazy after awhile. The largest is at 16 mm and the others are hanging out around 12 - 13 mm. Because of this, my ER is definitely pushed back to Sunday afternoon.
Here's the game plan:
That's my estradiol level! Nurse D called this afternoon to let me know that my levels went from 247 on Tuesday to 1,308 today. What a jump! I definitely wasn't expecting it to be that high at all.
My ultrasound also went very well. My lining is at 14 (the highest it's ever been at) and Dr. P. counted 13 follicles. There were more but Nurse D told me he gets lazy after awhile. The largest is at 16 mm and the others are hanging out around 12 - 13 mm. Because of this, my ER is definitely pushed back to Sunday afternoon.
Here's the game plan:
- Continue to stim tonight and tomorrow morning.
- Trigger at 1:00 AM (ugh) on Saturday morning.
- Head over to the family medicine clinic to get my last blood draw at 10:00 AM on Saturday morning.
- Head to the pharmacy to pick up my array of post-retrieval meds after the blood draw.
- Fast starting at midnight on Saturday evening.
- Head to the clinic at 12:45 PM on Sunday afternoon for a 1:00 PM retrieval appointment.
I'm definitely ready for the retrieval, but still a little anxious about it. Also, is it sad that the first thing I thought of when I got my ER time was that I won't be able to eat for over 14 hours? E better treat me to something good on Sunday night for dinner.
Hopefully my next update will contain some great news about eggs retrieved and how many eggs fertilized.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
A quick update
Yesterday morning I went in for my first monitoring appointment since starting stims last Tuesday. I didn't physically feel like much was going on, so I was a little worried that the RE would have some bad news to share with me. I arrived at the clinic bright and early at 5:55 AM to make sure that I would be the first one to be seen. I went back for my blood draw first and had to request a "special" colored bandage since apparently I'm allergic to the normal brown ones. Yes, I'm aware that my body is weird. What aren't I allergic to these days?
Next, I headed down the hall to the ultrasound room. Lo and behold, Dr. P, Nurse D, and I saw a decent amount of follies on the screen - all measuring between 8 mm and 10 mm. I had to wait until almost 4:00 to find out what my E2 levels were since I'm in the classroom until 3:30. E2 came back at 247. I was unsure about this number but Nurse D reassured me that the numbers looked good, I was where I needed to be, and that my meds would stay the same. Since I was grocery shopping when I picked up the phone, I forgot to ask about my ER date. Would it still be on Saturday or would it be pushed back?
I called Nurse D back and left a message. Unfortunately, I didn't receive a call back last night, but Nurse D did call me back this afternoon. Since I was second-guessing the results from the ultrasound and blood draw, I asked her again if things were looking good. Given my previous history of poor stimulation, Dr. P was very impressed with my response to the meds so far. Nurse D told me that honestly I was doing better than expected. They will most likely make a decision on when my ER will be after my blood work comes back on Thursday. Right now, we're still set for Saturday, but there is a chance it might be pushed back to Sunday morning.
Today, I'm starting to experience that "full" feeling that occurs when the follies start getting bigger and my E2 starts to shoot up. Hopefully everything is growing as it should and that I get a good report on Thursday. E is coming along to my appointment on Thursday so we can get a review on how to administer the IM trigger shot. I've been lucky and have been given O.vidrel for all of my IUIs, so we definitely need a lesson on the IM shot. Hopefully he's a fast learner because this is the one shot I refuse to give myself.
Hoping for some more good news on Thursday! I can't believe we're halfway through this process already.
Next, I headed down the hall to the ultrasound room. Lo and behold, Dr. P, Nurse D, and I saw a decent amount of follies on the screen - all measuring between 8 mm and 10 mm. I had to wait until almost 4:00 to find out what my E2 levels were since I'm in the classroom until 3:30. E2 came back at 247. I was unsure about this number but Nurse D reassured me that the numbers looked good, I was where I needed to be, and that my meds would stay the same. Since I was grocery shopping when I picked up the phone, I forgot to ask about my ER date. Would it still be on Saturday or would it be pushed back?
I called Nurse D back and left a message. Unfortunately, I didn't receive a call back last night, but Nurse D did call me back this afternoon. Since I was second-guessing the results from the ultrasound and blood draw, I asked her again if things were looking good. Given my previous history of poor stimulation, Dr. P was very impressed with my response to the meds so far. Nurse D told me that honestly I was doing better than expected. They will most likely make a decision on when my ER will be after my blood work comes back on Thursday. Right now, we're still set for Saturday, but there is a chance it might be pushed back to Sunday morning.
Today, I'm starting to experience that "full" feeling that occurs when the follies start getting bigger and my E2 starts to shoot up. Hopefully everything is growing as it should and that I get a good report on Thursday. E is coming along to my appointment on Thursday so we can get a review on how to administer the IM trigger shot. I've been lucky and have been given O.vidrel for all of my IUIs, so we definitely need a lesson on the IM shot. Hopefully he's a fast learner because this is the one shot I refuse to give myself.
Hoping for some more good news on Thursday! I can't believe we're halfway through this process already.
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