The title says it all - I'm feeling lost. It's been about 3 weeks since we found out that IVF #1 didn't work and I'm still trying to deal with the emotional side effects of yet another failure. Jealously is rearing it's ugly head again. A few women who I follow on Twitter and did IVF/FET when I did, were lucky enough to hop off the infertility roller coaster and onto the pregnancy one. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I often think - Why not me? Why is not my turn? Haven't E and I been through enough? I'm so happy that these women have finally found success after their own long and personal struggles, but it's still hard to deal with. I feel like I'm being left behind and there are less and less women to relate to.
I'm struggling with my body image. Ever since we found out that IVF didn't work, I've been back to my normal exercise routine and tracking my calories. I'm ashamed to say that I put on about 9 pounds between my last IUI and IVF and desperately want to lose it. Despite all of my efforts, the scale has yet to budge. The goal is to be back to my "normal" weight by the time FET rolls around in August. Guess I need to step it up a bit and just keep moving.
FET #1 - the final issue I'm struggling with. If it were up to me, FET would be happening this month. Unfortunately, I have no control over the timeline - we're at the mercy of the military hospital. I want to get things moving and get closer to having our baby.
I hope these negative feelings go away soon - they probably won't - but I want them to.