You think it would get easier....

...every time another cycle = failure.

After seeing a big temperature drop on Sunday and foolishly thinking that it could have been an implantation dip, AF showed her big, ugly face yet again this morning.

3 IUIs = 3 failures

To top it all off, my luteal phase was only 10 days AND I was on progesterone starting the day of the IUI.

I talked to Nurse D about an hour ago about if there should be/could be another cycle. E will be home for R&R during this cycle; however, I'm worried about the timing. I've triggered as early as CD 23, but as late as CD 30. Nurse D assured me that we can stretch the cycle out a bit if needed. I do need to go in for a baseline ultrasound on Wednesday morning to figure out if the cysts are gone from last cycle. We won't be able to make a decision on what to do until then.

So we have 2 options pending u/s results:

1. No cysts = we go ahead and start injections and either do another IUI or just TI.

2. The cysts are still there = no injections and wait for IVF in the spring.

Again, I'm feeling a crapload of different emotions. I cried for hours today. My BF's baby shower is in 10 days and I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with these emotions. If she wasn't so supportive of my situation, I would be tempted to blow off the shower and stay at home to mope some more. To top it off, I'll also be seeing another friend who is about 21 weeks pregnant. I guess I get a 2 for 1 deal. I'll do my best to hold it together and then deal with the emotions when I'm alone.

AF, you are the biggest bitch in the world. I hate you.

Milspouse Friday Fill-In & Milspouse Weekly Roundup

This week has been dragging by so I'm glad that it's finally Friday. I'm feeling a bit better than I was in my last blog post - Tuesday and Wednesday were rough! I'm wrapping up my final week of my summer quarter graduate classes. I'm looking forward to having 3 weeks off before the fall quarter begins. I have some big plans for my time off including a trip home for my best friend's baby shower.

Right now, it's time for the Milspouse Friday Fill - In. Head over to Wifey's blog to link up your blog and join in on the fun.

1. The first thing I think of when I get up in the morning is what do I need to get done today?

2. Lately, I've been craving going to the gym because I'm not allowed to go right now. I haven't been to a class in a week now and it's driving me crazy! The end of this cycle needs to end with a BFP!

3. Whenever anyone says the word basketball , it reminds me of my childhood because I played from 6th grade through high school. Basketball consumed my life during the winter and early spring. I miss playing.

4. The happiest word I know is hope, but sometimes it's hard to stay hopeful when situations/times are difficult.

5. My spouse may hate it, but I absolutely love watching Food Network and HGTV all the time.

In addition to the Milspouse Friday Fill-In, I also decided to link up with the Milspouse Weekly Roundup. This week's host is Laura at Between the Lines . Welcome to all readers checking out my blog from the linkup!

Not So Wordless Wednesday

Source: bles-id.blogspot.com via Lori on Pinterest

I've been having an interesting and painful last few days. On Monday, I felt like I wanted to rip my ovaries out of my body. Yesterday, I experienced the most intense cramps, stomach pain, and lower back pain that I think I've ever felt before. I think I got a total of 3 hours sleep last night because laying down was just so uncomfortable. Thankfully, a lot of the pain has finally subsided, but I'm continuing to take it easy today. I ran out to grab some Gatorade and am sitting in bed typing out this blog post right now. I may try to take a short walk around the neighborhood with the dogs later just to get moving a little bit.

My friend Katie posted this amazing quote on her Facebook today. It definitely applies to my situation, as well as some of yours I'm sure.

"When the world say, "Give up." Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~ Author Unknown

I hope to have some more positive news in the next week or so. Hope everyone is having a good week.

3 DPO

I was really worried that this cycle was going to be a bust already because we ended up doing the IUI about 15 hours after I gave myself the trigger shot on Thursday night. Most doctors won't do the IUI until at least 24 hours after; however, we had no other options because my clinic is closed on the weekends. I also had some drama with a slightly expired trigger shot (a.k.a. sent myself into a MAJOR panic attack to where I could barely function for about an hour). I was able to get in contact with a pharmacist who told me that it would be safe to use the trigger and that it should work just fine. Now you know me, I tend to be pessimistic about things (do you blame me after 3 and a half years of setbacks and failures?), but lo and behold, Fertility Friend set my ovulation date on Friday, which was the day of IUI #3!!

This is the second cycle where we've had "perfect" timing. If this one doesn't work, I don't really know if there's any point to do another round if E. makes it home on time for his R&R.

August ICLW

Hello fellow ICLWers,

Welcome to my blog! This is my 4th time doing ICLW. I discovered some great blogs and gained a few new followers last month and I'm looking forward to doing the same this time around.

Let me give you some background information - My name is Lauren and I'm 28 years old. I'm married to my wonderful husband E. I'm a proud military spouse, full time graduate student pursuing a master's degree and certification in elementary education, momma to 2 furbabies, Bella and Murphy, and momma to my 2 angel babies. I love reading, spinning, weight training, baking, cooking, and teaching.

We've been TTC for over 4 years now. I was diagnosed with PCOS (lean) last June while we were stationed in Arizona. I have extremely irregular cycles when not on fertility medications(i.e. 146 cycle from hell last summer). I've done countless rounds of C.lomid and injectible medications. I've had 2 miscarriages - one in March 2009 (11 weeks) and the other in November 2010 (5 and a half weeks). I just had my 3rd IUI done on Friday and am currently in the dreaded two week wait. I stimmed for a full month this cycle and let me tell you, I'm tired of needles!

If this IUI doesn't work then we have to put fertility treatments on hold until E. returns from his deployment. I'm on the wait list with my RE for an April 2012 IVF cycle but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. If you want more information about our TTC history, check out the link at the top of my page.

I'm looking forward to reading new blogs and having new people read mine! Please leave a comment to let me know you stopped by so I can head over to your blog.

Milspouse Friday Fill-In

Well it's Friday, which means that it's time for the Milspouse Friday Fill-In. Head over to Wifey's blog to link up and join in the fun!

1. My spouse and I rarely agree on whether or not he should be able to buy a motorcycle, but always agree on how much money we should be saving every paycheck.

2. If I could use one word to sum up the way I feel right now, it would be tired.

3. One of the things that my spouse does that grosses me out is eating sushi. I can't understand the obsession with wanting to eat raw fish. I don't even like eating cooked fish/seafood.

4. My readers may think I'm crazy for doing this, but I really love making daily to-do lists. I wouldn't get to half of the things I would like to accomplish everyday without one.

5. Frankly, my dear, I don't want to give myself another shot ever again! Third time's the charm, right?

Maybe the last IUI update

Nurse D just called me with my blood draw results....

Estradiol is at 186 - up from 168 on Monday. I'll be triggering this evening and then going in for the IUI at 11:30 tomorrow morning. Please, please, please let this work.

Wordless Wednesday

Source: skinnytaste.com via Lauren on Pinterest

(What I made for dinner last weekend. Amazing.

Also, I have a Pinterest addition.)

Another IUI update

Well it's CD 30 and day 27 of injections. Last Friday, my estradiol levels surprisingly went from 51 up to 99. Dr. P. made the decision to keep moving forward with the G.onal injections and asked me to come back in Monday (today) morning for another ultrasound and blood draw. Dr. P. was the one who did my ultrasound this morning, so we actually had a chance to talk about this cycle. He told me that many other PCOS patients doing IUI aren't triggering until after doing injects for 4 weeks - apparently I'm not alone. He agreed though that if my levels weren't rising, then he would cancel the cycle and put me back on the birth control since P.rovera is a waste of time for me. We would then start all over again sometime in September.

So we saw the giant, worthless follies taking up half the screen again, but also saw two 12mms and one 13mm. I wasn't even going to get my hopes up when I saw the little ones because I had a few small ones about a week and a half ago and they didn't do anything. Nurse D usually calls me around 2:30 or 3:00 with my numbers, but she really made me sweat it out this afternoon. She called at 4:00 with some good news. Estradiol levels went up to 168! Finally, finally, finally some good news for this cycle. The plan is to continue with the G.onal until Thursday and go back in for yet another ultrasound and blood draw. If the levels are good and my body doesn't keep producing more new follies, then I'm going to guess that I'll trigger over the weekend and have my IUI on Monday. Please let this work!

Milspouse Friday Fill-In

TGIF! This week has been one emotional rollercoaster ride so I'm glad that's it's finally the weekend. Since it's Friday, that can only mean that it's time for another edition of the Milspouse Friday Fill-In. Head over to Wifey's blog to link up!

1. The best thing my parents taught me to do when I was a child was __________.

.... be respectful and mind your manners. So many young children today don't even utter the phrases "please" and "thank you". A little courtesy goes a long way.

2. However, one thing I wish they did differently was ________________.

.... not openly favor one sibling over another. Parents are supposed to love their children equally no matter what, right? I think some of my self-esteem and confidence issues stem from being the "less favored" child.

3. One thing I've always wanted to try but haven't is _________________.

.... skydiving. It's something that definitely on my bucket list, but so far I've been too scared to do it. Maybe one day E. will get me up in a plane with him.

4. One thing I never thought I'd try but I have is ____________________.

..... ziplining in a foreign country. When E. and I went on our cruise the other year, we decided to try out ziplining at one of the ports. I was intimidated in the beginning, but ended up loving the whole experience. Nothing compares to sailing high up in the air through a rainforest!

5. If I could give my 16-year-old self one piece of advice, I'd tell myself _________.

.... don't switch your college major from elementary education to broadcasting. If I wouldn't have changed my mind, I would already have been teaching in the classroom for 7 years instead of working on my certification for the past 2 and a half years. However, if I went in as an education major, I would have never met E. Things do happen for a reason sometimes.

I've been slacking...

(photo credit)

....on my blogging lately - totally overwhelmed with school work and emotions right now. I'm down to the wire with my graduate school classes for this quarter. I have a little less than 3 weeks remaining and there is still a lot of work to do! I also started my last undergraduate course required for content area knowledge, so I'm back to dealing with 4 classes at one time. I'm looking forward to my 3 week break coming up at the end of the month.

Onto IUI #3 news - I went in for another ultrasound and blood draw on Monday morning. Up on the screen the 3 (worthless) giant follies appeared, but so did a 19mm and a 13mm. Nurse D told me that both of those looked promising; however, it would be up to the blood draw results to determine whether or not I could trigger. She called me in the early afternoon and told me that my levels only went up from a 37 on Wednesday to a 51. She sounded just as defeated as I felt when I heard the news. Dr. P. wanted me to continue with the injections and come back on Friday. This is getting out of hand. By Friday, I'll have been on the injections for almost 4 full weeks. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I want to snap at someone and the next, I just want to cry. It doesn't help that I'm full party planning mode for my best friend's baby shower, which is in exactly a month. I bought her a nice present off of her registry (cute safari themed crib bedding), but looking at her registry nearly brought me to tears. I want to be in her shoes so much right now. I can't wait to see her next month and to meet my little niece, but it's going to be hard for me. It's always hard to see someone else get/have what I've been wanting for so long.

Ok enough of the emotional news - onto something more positive.....

E. finally got his R & R dates! Obviously I can't publish dates due to OPSEC, but I can say that it won't be too much longer :) Since I'll be going home for the baby shower, we decided to not make the trip all the way up to PA again. We're planning on spending a long weekend in Washington, D.C. and giving the families the option of coming down to see us. My parents and my in-laws are in PA and MD, so I don't think we're asking them to travel too far. Does anyone have any suggestions for must-see/must-do things in the D.C. area? I can't wait to see E! I feel like this deployment is never-ending. I know the pups miss him too and can't wait to attack him with licks and loves.

I'll try to post another update after my appointment on Friday. Hope everyone is having a good week!

Not a Wordless Wednesday - IUI #3 update

WTF? That's all I'd like to say about the past few days, but I'll elaborate a bit more just in case anyone is interested in what's going on. When I went in for my ultrasound on Monday morning, we saw that there was one follie measuring 25mm and two that were measuring 19 mm. However, Nurse D informed me that my estradiol level was only at 25 - remember on Friday it was at 52. The numbers should be going up, not down. The plan was to continue with the same dosage of G.onal and come back in today for a follow-up ultrasound and blood draw.

I went back in this morning and found that the 25 mm grew into a 30 mm and the 19 mm's grew into 22 mm's. Estradiol = 37. I'm assuming that all of these follies are worthless at this point since my estradiol should be through the roof. I had one or two small follies on the ultrasound, so Dr. P. wants to me to continue the meds until next Monday to see if the little ones mature. Monday marks 21 days of injections. If the levels don't match up by then, I might just have to call it quits and give my body a rest from the medication. These IUI cycles are draining for me. I don't understand why the numbers just can't match up for once. Anyone have a similar experience after being on injectibles? If so, do you any advice for me?