...until last night when I got a reminder that I'm a failure when it comes to having babies. I finally received the last of the tax documents in the mail last week, so I was able to send off the paperwork to our accountant. I received an email last night with some questions about our paperwork before they started working on our taxes. The first 5 questions were standard, run of the mill questions but the last one is what hurt.
6.Did you have a child in 2010. For some reason I thought you might have. If you did, I need name, social security number and date of birth. If you did not please excuse this question as I must be thinking of someone else.
Last year when we were filling out our tax survey, it asked if we would be adding any dependents for the following tax year. I was pregnant at time so of course I wrote down that we would have an additional dependent. Little did I know that this lady would have remembered and asked. Obviously she couldn't have known about the miscarriage, but it still hurt when I read that question. This cycle is being atrocious. I'm on cycle day 26 - no ovulation and spotting for the past 4 days. If nothing happens this weekend, I guess I'll be on the phone with Nurse D on Monday.
The new semester started yesterday so I logged in to my virtual classroom and reviewed the weekly schedule for each of my classes. Let me tell you, there is a lot of work to be done over the next 10 weeks. I thought my Language Arts class was writing intensive when I took it in Georgia. This class blows that one out of the water. There are lesson plans, papers, and interviews galore. Good thing I don't mind writing.
I'm really excited for my Children's Literature class. This was one of my favorite classes I took in Georgia and I'm so glad that I can take this as one of my master's electives. My professor seems very enthusiastic about the subject and there are some fun projects that we'll be working on this semester. It's also a great class to go along with the Language Arts class.
My last class is another special education class. This one is a follow up to last semester's special education class and requires 20 hours of observation. I'll actually get to co-teach a lesson with my cooperating teacher. I'm looking forward to actually doing something other than just sitting back and taking notes for the entire 20 hours. I emailed the principal at the school I worked with last semester, so hopefully I hear back from her soon. There is a 4th grade teacher that I would love to work with for this class.
I think this semester is going to be a lot of work but it looks like the classes are going to be interesting and fun. We'll see how I feel about all of this in a few weeks though when the work starts to pile up.
Wow. I've been looking at my previous blog posts from this month and man, I am depressing. Instead of my standard complaining, I thought I'd write a more positive and upbeat post for a change of pace.
I just finished up my first quarter of online classes. Final grades were posted on Wednesday and I'm happy to report that I earned 2 A's. I also received A's in my Biology and Bio lab classes so the 4.0 stays alive for now. I'm in the last week of my geography class and I'm definitely ready for this one to be over. My new semester of education classes starts on Monday morning. I'll be taking 2 classes that I've taken before while I was going to school in Georgia (Language Arts and Children's Literature) in addition to another class (The Inclusive Classroom).
So I've been debating for the last few months whether or not I should switch my program from strictly a teaching certification program to a master's degree program. My advisor and I spoke at the beginning of the week and worked out a plan so I could still be finished in June 2012. I have to take 3 graduate classes each quarter up until student teaching next March but this allows every class to still be covered by the G.I. Bill. I'm so glad we were able to figure this out because this school is not cheap! They charge $2,000 per 3 credit grad class. It's going be a challenge, but I'm definitely up for it. Next year, I will have my teaching certification, as well as my Master's in Teaching Learning and Curriculum Design. I'm so ready to have my own classroom!
Also required for my certification is the P.raxis test. This is a series of 3 tests and I took the first part last Monday. I was so nervous because the practice tests were hard and I needed a 172 in both reading and math and a 176 in writing. I got my scores immediately for reading and math. I scored a 183 in reading and a 181 in math (shocking). I'm terrible at math so I was surprised to see how well I actually did. I have to wait about 2 more weeks to find out my writing score because my essay needed to be graded. Hopefully I did just as well. I'll be taking the final two sections of the test sometime in the early fall before student teaching.
Coming up later this weekend a post on my gluten free diet!
My must have gadget is probably my Ipod. It's definitely necessary for the gym because time goes by so much faster when you're listening to some good, upbeat music.
2. How does your adulthood compare to what you imagined it would be like when you were a little kid? L to the Third
When I was a little kid, I had always dreamed of being a teacher. I can remember setting up my stuffed animals in rows on the floor so I could have my own classroom in my bedroom. My dream changed when I got to college but now I'm back on the teaching track. In June 2012, I will have earned my teacher's certification in Elementary Education and my master's degree in curriculum design. I can't wait!
I kind of just have to take a step back and tell myself it'll be ok. I also try to talk problems out with Evan or a friend. Staying busy with school and friends also helps take my mind off things when they get too hard.
5. What piece of advice would you give a brand new Military spouse facing their first deployment? submitted by The Albrecht Squad
Things will be tough especially at first, but you will get through this. Try to stay busy and motivated. Get a job, volunteer, take classes... do something that will occupy some of your time. Exercise is also a great stress reliever and will help you stay healthy and in shape!
On March 25, 2010, I was scheduled for my first ultrasound. I was only 11 weeks at that point, but my 12 week ultrasound got bumped up by a few days because we were getting ready to PCS to Arizona the following week. Evan and I were so excited to see our baby and to hear his/her heartbeat for the first time. I knew at 6 weeks along that I would be having the ultrasound done and I remember anxiously counting down the days. On the day of the appointment, I remember talking to the doctor about just how bad the pregnancy symptoms were getting - dizziness, severe food aversions, all day nausea. All the symptoms pointed towards a normal pregnancy. I didn't think anything was wrong.
The nurse wheeled in the ultrasound machine, the doctor squirted that icky gel onto my stomach, and started moving the wand around. When she didn't find the baby within a few seconds, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I knew something was wrong. I squeezed Evan's hand a little tighter, bracing myself for the words that I knew were coming.
She couldn't find a heartbeat. I just laid there on the table with my legs up and started crying. I was immediately sent to the lab for bloodwork and to x-ray so I could have an internal ultrasound done. What a sight I must have been for the patients in the hospital that day. I had to walk all the way from one end of the hospital to the other to get to the lab. I was crying so hard but didn't care who saw me. I remember the ultrasound technician being so cold. I had asked her if she could tell me what she was seeing on the screen but she refused to talk to me at all. My doctor came in the room and told me that our baby had stopped growing at almost 7 weeks. A missed miscarriage had occurred. We had to make a decision about what we would do next. We made the decision to have a D&C done because my body just wasn't letting go of the pregnancy. I wasn't going to let my body keep thinking it was pregnant when it wasn't. I was hurting enough and didn't need the daily reminders that I wasn't going to be a mommy yet.
March 25th will always be a tough day. Even though it's been a year, I still miss my first baby. I should have a 5 month old in my arms right now but I don't. I still don't fully understand why my baby was taken from me. I don't understand why my second baby was taken either. I don't understand why we haven't been blessed with another pregnancy yet. There are so many unanswered questions that I fear will never be answered. There's a saying that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I really don't know how much more I can handle.
I went in for my follow up ultrasound this morning and the moment I saw my ovaries pop up on the screen, I knew something was wrong. On Friday, there were a few follicles that were small to average. However, today there were so many. I'm definitely not an expert at reading an ultrasound but I knew that a lot of them looked very big. There were so many follicles and the ultrasound tech couldn't measure them all. She just wrote "additional follicles found" in the comments section. After looking at the report, Nurse D said there were 5 mature follicles and about 5 more that were close to being mature. She said she thought that this cycle would be cancelled, but Dr. P. would be the one to make the final call after finding out my E2 levels.
Nurse D left a message while I was taking my P.raxis test this afternoon. She said my E2 was only at 136 when it should have been way above 1,000 because of the amount of follicles present. They don't want to chance overstimulation so they're canceling the cycle. I'm off the meds for the rest of the cycle. I now have to wait until cycle day 1 to go back in for another appointment. I'll have to go in for a baseline ultrasound and a possible HSG to try to figure out what's going on.
Right now, they're clueless. They have no idea why there are so many follicles but such a low level of hormones. I assume my meds or dosages might have to be changed depending on the result of the baseline ultrasound. Nurse D mentioned that girls with PCOS usually have two extremes when it comes to the meds. Either we don't respond fast (or well) to the meds or we respond too well. Last cycle it was too slow, this cycle I responded too well. Damn you ovaries.
This is like a final stab to the heart. No 2011 baby for us.
IVF is becoming more of a reality with every failed cycle.
I went to see Dr. P. bright and early yesterday morning at 6:30 AM. When I got into the office I was shocked that only one other girl was in the waiting room. Usually the office is packed, so I was happy to see that that wasn't the case this time. Dr. P. did my ultrasound and said everything looked good so far. I've only been doing the injections for a week so I'll continue them through the weekend and head back in for another ultrasound/blood draw on Monday morning. My hormone levels were right where they needed to be unlike last cycle at this time. It looks like we finally got the dosage right. If things look good on Monday, I'm going to ask Dr. P. if we can do the IUI 24 hours after the trigger shot instead of 36 hours after. It really can't hurt to do it a little earlier just to make sure we don't miss ovulation this time. My stomach is so ready to be done with this injections. I have huge bruises on the right side that have turned a lovely shade of yellow. I think my body is rebelling against this. However, I definitely don't feel as bloated this time which is good. This may be due to the fact that I've been gluten free for almost 2 weeks now. I can already feel a difference so I'll be continuing the diet. I could (and probably will) write a post on that later this weekend.
Side note: This may come off as a little bit selfish but my best friend told me that she's going to be testing on Sunday because her period is late. Don't get me wrong - I'll be so excited for her if she's pregnant. But then again, I know down deep that I'll be jealous. Her and her husband have only been trying since November. She's been so supportive through my miscarriages and this whole infertility journey so I want to be nothing but supportive towards her. How I be 100% supportive when I have jealously issues though?
My good friend Katie had posted this one her blog and I thought it would be a fun distraction from my Praxis studying.
A. Age: 28. Getting closer and closer to 30 every day.
B. Bed size: Queen. It needs to be a king though since the dogs take up so much space.
C. Chore you dislike: Putting away laundry. I have no problems actually doing it or folding it. I don't think I've put away any clothes since Evan's left. The clean ones are folded in the basket, sitting on top of the dryer.
D. Dogs: 2 - Bella and Murphy
E. Essential start to your day: A good breakfast and a trip to the gym.
F. Favorite color: Red
G. Gold or silver: Silver
H. Height: 5' 9 1/2” - can't forget that half!
I. Instruments you play(ed): I'm musically challenged. Hopefully our kids inherit Evan's musical abilities.
J. Job title: Wife, momma to the pups, full time student
K. Kids: Been working on/struggling with this for 3 years now. Hopefully soon!
L. Live: North Carolina
M. Mom’s name: Jean
N. Nicknames: No nicknames. And don't call me Laur!
O. Overnight hospital stays: No overnight stays even though I've been in the hospital plenty of times.
P. Pet peeves: Not turning off lights or shutting doors, leaving your turn signal on after you've already turned or switched lanes.
Q. Quote from a movie: " I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for awhile."
S. Siblings: I do have a younger brother but it feels like I've been an only child for about 8 years now. That's a whole other story for another time.
T. Time you wake up: 0700
U. Underwear: What about it? I wear it.
V. Vegetables you don’t like: Lima bean
W. What makes you run late: Nothing. I hate hate hate running late.
X. X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, ankle, heart
Y. Yummy food you make: Everything I make is yummy :) I made this amazing baked chicken, couscous (gluten-free of course), and a corn, cucumber, tomato, and avocado salsa for dinner last night. My homemade brownies and cookies are always a hit too around here.
It's been one crazy week! This was my last week of the semester for my first round of education classes - 1 final and 3 final papers were due. Everything has been turned in and I'm just waiting on my grades. I've been debating the last few days whether or not to add on a master's degree in curriculum design to my certification program. The master's degree only requires 5 more classes so I'm seriously thinking about just going for it. I'll be talking to my advisor next week to see what my options are.
I talk to my parents and my in-laws on the phone every so often. My mother-in-law and I sometimes email back and forth also. Since Evan's been gone, we try to talk on Skype or through Facebook. We didn't have the opportunity to Skype on the last deployment because of his job, but I love being able to use it this time!
I don't know that I've actually given anything romantic. I'm not really a romantic type of girl. I did give Evan a new wedding ring for his birthday about 3 years ago. Why did he need a new wedding ring? Well he dropped it down a hole when he was deployed. Him and his platoon were trying to dig out one of their trucks, the ring slipped off, and that was it. I got him a cheap but nice replacement when he got home. I'll probably buy him a nicer one...when he retires.
3. Would you encourage your child, if they came to you and wanted to join the military? submitted by Perfectly Imperfect
Definitely. I'll support my children in anything they want to do. I would encourage them to do research though so they know exactly what being in the military would entail. I would encourage them to pursue some higher education though because a good education is important in so many ways.
It used to be the electric bill because using the heater makes that bill go way up! I'm happy to report that since it's been warm out lately, the heater has been shut off, and the electric bill is back to normal. Now the least favorite bill to pay is the cell phone bill. I don't understand why these family plans cost so much. Is it really necessary to charge $30 a month per phone just to use the internet? Crazy.
5. What is your proudest moment you've had as a military spouse? submitted by Our Okinawa Life
I'd have to say my proudest moment was when Evan graduated from Ranger School back in 2006. It's one of those schools that Evan wanted to go to and succeed at. He hurt his ankle badly when he went the first time in 2005 and wanted to go back as soon as the Army would allow him. He got a slot for pre-Ranger in January, left for Benning in February, and graduated in April. It was an honor to pin the Ranger tab on him.
Before getting into the questions for this week, I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are going out to everyone who has been affected by the earthquake and tsunami. We have friends who are stationed overseas in the affected areas and have friends who live on the West Coast. I'm praying that everyone is safe and that the worst of this is over with.
I guess there's no good transition between that and the Friday Fill-In so I'm just going to start with the questions. If you'd like to link up your blog, head over to Wife of a Sailor's blog and join in.
1. During military separations (whether short or long) how do you keep yourself positive and motivated? submitted by Married/Single Parent
I'm going to be honest and say that sometimes it's really hard to stay positive throughout a long TDY or deployment. I do my best to stay busy and keep my mind off the deployment as much as possible. I'm going to grad school full time so that tends to keep my mind off of things most of the time. I also go to the gym a lot to work out my frustrations and help keep me focused.
I really miss going to concerts. When I was in college, I was a DJ at my college's radio station and I used to get into concerts for free all the time with my roommate. I think I've seen over 150 bands in concert. Out of all the concerts, I have to say that my favorite show was Taking Back Sunday. This band was my absolute favorite band my junior and senior years of college and I still have a special place in my heart for them. They're still constantly playing on my Ipod :)
I'd have to say that I miss my friends the most. I have a small group of good friends and I miss being able to see them. We only make it home around the holidays so it's hard sometimes to feel like a part of their lives. During this deployment, I'm going to try and make it home over the summer and do a week-long visit with friends I haven't seen in awhile.
4. If you could run any race, which charity would you choose to support? submitted by Wookie & Co.
I've actually run a few races that supported charities. I ran a 5K in support of breast cancer a few years ago with my co-workers and ran a 5K in December which benefited a local hospital. I hope to do more runs in the future that will support a variety of different charities.
This is such a creative question! There are so many yummy things I would like to include but I guess I'll have to narrow it down. I would start with a baked potato soup. For the main course, I would have roasted turkey and sweet potatoes. Finally, for dessert, I would like chocolate bread pudding. Bring on the carbs!
Well it's cycle day 3 tomorrow which means it's time to start another round of injections. I talked to Nurse D this morning and she told me that I'll be starting out with 150IUs instead of 75IUs. Hopefully this means that I won't be sticking myself for almost 3 weeks like last cycle. I go in for my first ultrasound and blood draw next Friday. I'll definitely be talking to Dr. P. about last cycle's chart. I know different medicines can mess with the temperatures, but I'm 99% sure that I ovulated the day before the IUI. We have to talk about timing - maybe we can do the next IUI 24 hours after the trigger shot instead of 36. Time is running out. We only have this month and next month. If I'm not pregnant then nothing can be done until this deployment is finished. Stupid deployments.
Evan and I talked the other night about what we'll do if the IUIs don't work. We both agree that IVF will be the next logical step. I'll also discuss this with Dr. P. to see what he thinks about it. I'll have about 8 months or so to get my body into the best physical shape it can be in. I'll also need that time to get my mind into the right state. I'm trying to find a part time job so I can start saving up money just in case this has to be our next option.
I'm still very upset and disappointed that this didn't work but I have to try and stay positive that this cycle will be our lucky one. Easier said than done though. It's especially hard because Evan's not here. Sure we can talk about it through emails and on the phone, but it's not the same as him being here. I'm ready for him to come home already.
My temperatures dropped below my coverline on Monday and Tuesday but AF didn't show up. My temperature went up slightly this morning and still no AF. What did I do? Took a pregnancy test. Of course it came back negative then AF showed up 2 hours later. Looks like I'm back to square one. Again.
I got an email on Wednesday from a fellow Army wife who I met when we were stationed in Georgia. Her and her husband recently PCSed but we have kept in touch through email and Facebook. She was very supportive and concerned when I had my second miscarriage in November. She told me that she was went through her second miscarriage about 2 weeks ago. My heart goes out to her and her family. I know the pain that she is going through and I wish I could do more for her. She's currently on the wait list to be seen by the fertility specialist out there but I know firsthand how long the wait could possibly be for her. She was told that they won't run any tests on her to determine why she could be miscarrying until she's had 3 losses. I've also been told the same exact thing. Why should the policy be written this way? Why should women (and their families) have to be put through the pain of 3 losses before anything further can be done?
We've also been talking back and forth about how our feelings have changed over the years. When I got pregnant the first time, I was beyond excited. I couldn't believe that I was finally getting what Evan and I were waiting for for so long. When I miscarried, I felt depressed, angry, and confused. It was so hard to get pregnant in the first place. Why shouldn't I be allowed to have this baby? Why is it so easy for other women? What did I do to deserve the pain and heartache? Why shouldn't I be allowed to be a mother?
When I found out I was pregnant again in October, I felt sheer terror. I was constantly questioning my symptoms and then the lack of symptoms a few days later. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test so I could see that second line and be reassured that there was in fact a baby in there. I was constantly worrying and when I started to miscarry, I felt numb. I couldn't believe that this was happening again but I didn't want to feel the same way as I did before. My friend confessed that she hasn't cried about this loss, she just feels angry. I told her that I didn't really cry about my second one either. I still resent what has happened though. I'm sure if I get pregnant again, the anxiety and uncertainty will kick in again. I just really want this to happen for Evan and I and for all those other women out there who want a baby and have been trying so hard to make it happen. We deserve to be mothers too.
It's Friday so that means it's time for a new set of questions for the Milspouse Friday Fill-in. Make sure to head over to Wife of a Sailor's blog to link up your blog!
1. Do you or your (spouse) ever wish your (spouse) was in a different branch of the military? submitted by The Turner Family
Evan actually considered going to the Air Force when he was a junior in high school. However, he wasn't impressed with the Air Force recruiter he met with. He really connected with the Army recruiter though, so that's how he ended up in the Army.
2. What duty station(s) are on your "No Way, Hell No, Not Going, Have Fun Unaccompanied" list and why? submitted by Every Branch
There are places that I would prefer not to live in (Bliss, Drum, Hood), but I'd never choose to not move somewhere with him. He's gone enough between field training, TDYs, and deployments. I couldn't imagine not moving with him just because I didn't really want to move to the location he would be assigned.
3. If you could be one age forever, what age would you choose and why? submitted by Three Krakens
I don't know that I've reached an age yet where I can say that I was truly happy enough to want to be that age forever. Maybe my answer would be different if I had kids already...
4. If you were a breakfast cereal, which one would you be? submitted by the C.W.
Cinnamon Chex - my new cereal staple for the gluten free diet.