Rough weekend

Well I definitely was not having a reaction to the Metformin on Thursday as I originally thought. I ended up getting a horrible stomach virus from the kids at the child development center. Let's just say I was so sick on Thursday and Friday, that I ended up losing 7 pounds in less than 24 hours. I'm thankful that Evan had a training holiday on Friday because I wouldn't have made it to the doctor on my own. My doctor decided to keep me at the hospital for a few hours so I could get some fluids through an IV. I ended up needing 2 liters of liquid due to severe dehydration. I'm feeling better today but definitely no where close to 100%.

Still plugging away with the new medicine but so far AF has not shown up. It's been over 2 months but the doc won't do anything until August because he wants to see if the Metformin makes a difference. This weekend has also been hard because it's been 3 months since we had to say goodbye to baby. No matter how much time goes by, it doesn't get any easier.

Another week gone by

It's been a little over a week since my doctor's appointment and I wish I could say that taking the Metformin has been great. Unfortunately, it hasn't been easy. The first week went well but that was only because I was taking one pill a day. My blood sugar dropped for the first 2 days but that was easily fixed by taking the medicine at a different time. However, I had to up my dosage to 1000 mg a day yesterday and so far it's been hell. I was warned that there would be side effects but I was not prepared for the major nausea and vomiting. I'm thankful that I didn't have work today because I wouldn't have made it. I've been laying down all day - well laying down when I'm not throwing up. I'm supposed to go into work tomorrow morning and I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow is a better day. I know this medicine is supposed to help us get pregnant but why does everything have to be so hard?? These side effects remind me of how it was when I was pregnant except this time there's no baby growing inside...

In other news, husband and I found out that we'll be moving back to North Carolina in the fall. I'm very excited about this. I'll be able to finish up my teaching certification, will have friends who are already there, and we'll be able to finally buy our first house. We're in the process of figuring out what we want in a house, where we would ideally like to live, and working on finding a Realtor to help us through the whole first time home buying process. It'll be nice to have some stability for a little while. I've moved 5 times in the past 3 years. I'm ready to settle down for a bit. Also, I'm hopeful that we will be able to find another great RE who will be able to help us out with the infertility if I'm not pregnant by the time we leave Arizona.

Also, I'm happy to report that the new job is going well. I observed for 16 hours over 2 days and I'm definitely excited to work in the classrooms next week. I enjoyed working with the pre-k kids a lot. I enjoyed the infant rooms but didn't enjoy the other people working in there. The toddler rooms are also a challenge because of the whole potty training thing but the kids are so sweet. I'm ready to make some money and gain some more childcare/teaching experience :)

Some surprising information

I've been doing some research on PCOS and the Metformin that I've been taking for the past few days. I came across this information about a link between PCOS and miscarriage....

Women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome typically have a higher rate of miscarriage than those who do not suffer from PCOS. Miscarriage is defined as the spontaneous ending of a pregnancy before its 24th week. Some studies show that the rate of miscarriage in women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is as much as 50%, as compared to the national average of 15%.

I had no idea that the chances for a miscarriage increases so much for women with PCOS as compared to women who don't suffer from it. This makes me think that my miscarriage could have been prevented with treatment. I guess it's not good to dwell on things that didn't happen but it makes me wonder.

This is my 3rd day of taking the Metformin. I definitely have been experiencing some of the side effects that the doctor warned me about. My blood sugar drops soon after taking it but I've been able to control it by eating a fruit popsicle. My stomach has also not felt the greatest either so it should be interesting to see what happens when I up the dosage to two pills a day.

Finally an awesome doctor!

Well I just got back from the doctor a few hours ago and I'd say it went pretty well. He's really nice, has 40 years of experience in endocrinology and took the time to actually listen to me. This is so much different from the last guy who wouldn't give me the time of day! After reviewing my history, he diagnosed me with PCOS. I tried to tell the last doctor about this but he blew me off. I know my body! I was put on Metformin which should help me ovulate and the doctor is hopeful that I won't need to use Clomid again. I still haven't started a cycle yet but he assured me that this will start one. If for some reason it doesn't, I'll go back to him in 60 days to get a prescription for Provera. I start the Metformin tonight and I'm hoping that this will be the solution I'm looking for. I did some research online and many websites have said that this is an effective treatment for PCOS. He also informed me that women that have PCOS have a increased chance of miscarrying so this may have contributed to my miscarriage. He said if I become pregnant, he'll keep me on the meds through the first trimester to help reduce the chances of miscarrying again. He also ran a blood test to check my thyroid. He told me that sometimes if women have underactive thyroids, it can also increase the chance of miscarrying. Finally, he wants me to start charting my basal body temperature every morning so we can chart my cycles. I'm so happy that he was so helpful and understanding. It makes me feel much more positive about things. He also questioned me about my last doctor and told me that he didn't think that I received adequate treatment and was right in deciding that I shouldn't go to him anymore. He said that I should have been receiving ultrasounds every month that I took the Clomid. Gotta love the crappy doctors right? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the Metaformin will do it's job! The only downside to this doctor is that I'll only be seeing him one or two more times before we leave. Good news all around today!

A little positivity

I got an email today from a sweet friend who gave me some great advice about my situation. She is going through a difficult situation of her own but somehow she remains so positive, strong, and optimistic about things and I admire her for that. I wish I had the strength that she does to get through the hard days. Thank you Katie for your kind words.

I'm going to try and be optimistic myself about my first RE appointment tomorrow. I'm excited but also nervous about the consultation. AF still hasn't shown up so I'm going to ask for Provera or another progesterone shot to get things moving along. Hopefully I'll get what I want and start Clomid cycle #5 in the next week or so.

Still haven't heard back about Evan's next assignment but also trying to think positively about going back to North Carolina!

Hopefully will be reporting good news tomorrow after my appointment is over.

I think I'm losing what little faith I have left

I went for a walk around post today to clear my head a little and came to some realizations. I'm losing faith and I'm envious of mothers and mothers-to-be. After struggling to get pregnant for almost 2 years, it finally happens and then our baby is taken away from us 11 weeks later. What have I done in my life that was so horrible that I don't deserve to have a child? Ever since I was a young child, I knew that I always wanted to be a mother. I was born to be a mom. I was always the one to look after the other kids when my brother and his team were off playing soccer. I used to round up the siblings and take them to the playground to play games and explore so the parents could enjoy the game. I started babysitting when I was 13 and loved every minute of it even though the kids were out of control most of the time. I nannied for $3 an hour for almost 12 hours a day one summer which was totally unfair but did it anyway because I loved the kids so much. I went back to school to become a teacher because I want to make a difference in children's lives. I want to be the role model for the children who don't have anyone to look up to.

I don't understand how God decides who deserves to be a parent and who doesn't. My brother, who disowned myself and my family almost 9 years ago, has a little girl. Throughout my childhood, he was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. Why does he deserve a child and I don't? I don't understand how women can have 8 children and I can't even manage to have one? I'm not being greedy. Ideally, I would love to have 3 or 4 children, but if I'm only blessed with one, then so be it. It doesn't seem to matter that I'm physically, emotionally, and financially ready to have and support a family.

I never had a great relationship with God. This may be due to the fact that I had religion shoved down my throat for 12 years but didn't seem to reap the benefits of believing. I had a rough childhood - at home as well as at school. High school and college were also a challenge at times. I really lost almost all that was left when I miscarried. I was pulling out my medical paperwork in preparation for my RE appointment last night and was reading through it. I saw how non-committal and irresponsible my last doctor was. I'm afraid that this is going to happen again. I tell myself that I'm going to be more aggressive with this next doctor. I want to tell him what I want done but I don't know if I'm brave enough to do it. I don't want to have to start over again but it seems like I'm going to have to do it whether I like it or not. I am thankful though that I do have a very supportive husband. He has been there for me throughout this whole ordeal and is willing to do whatever needs to be done. I haven't lost faith completely because he is still here with me, supporting me every step of the way.

More infertility bitterness and where we may be moving to next.

Another week has passed by and still no AF. I'm getting very frustrated about this because it means that I can't get my shots finished at the health clinic for my job yet. I went back to the doctor last Thursday and she told me if my cycle doesn't start in a week, they'll do another blood test before deciding whether or not to finish up my shots. It just needs to show up so I can get paperwork finished and more importantly so we can start trying again this month. I had hoped that post m/c my cycles would become regular but of course I don't get that lucky. If nothing happens by next Tuesday when I go to see the RE, I'm hoping they'll give me something to get things going. I'm also hoping that he'll put me on Clomid again but a higher dosage this time. I'm also planning on discussing possibly doing IUI next. I'm getting stressed out about getting pregnant again because our TTC timeline may be shorter than I would like it to be because of Evan's job. Evan's job may affect our efforts because of a possible upcoming deployment. He is almost halfway through his career course which means that we will know where we'll be moving in September very soon. The assignments were sent out this past Friday along with something called the Order of Merit list. Basically, this list ranks the members of the course according to how long they have been home from deployment. Because Evan's last job was a non-deployable job, he's near the end of the list. This means that he's probably not going to get what he wants as far as jobs go. There are two assignments with immediate deployments. Other assignments have deployments coming up in the next 6 months to a year. If he gets one of the immediately deploying jobs, we'll only have another 3 months or so to try and get pregnant again. I'm trying not to stress out too much about this until we get a definite answer about where we're going. We go in together to interview with the assignments officer tomorrow morning and should know by the end of next week what's going to happen. We know he's going to have to deploy sometime in the near future but for selfish reasons, I hope it's not immediately.

Positive news (for once, right?)... after struggling with some weight gain for the past few months, I finally had the courage to step on the scale this morning and found that I have lost 7 pounds! I attribute this to getting back into the gym at least 5 days a week and working out at home the other 2. We also decided to cut out red meat and eat vegetarian at least 2 nights a week. As I find more vegetarian recipes, we will bump it up to 3 or 4 meat-free dinners a week. I'm trying everything I can think of to stay healthy which will hopefully help me become pregnant again.

Memorial Day weekend

This past weekend Evan and I traveled to California for the first time! Even though it was a long drive, we had an amazing time. On Friday we drove up to Anaheim in the crazy California traffic to visit Disneyland. The park was very crowded but we had a lot of fun. It was interesting to go on new rides that they don't have at Disney World and to compare rides that they do have at both parks. Cinderella's castle is so much smaller at Disneyland! After roaming the park all morning and afternoon, we headed to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner. I ordered my first veggie burger and surprisingly liked it a lot.



On Saturday, we walked decided to walk around Hollywood for the day. We walked up and down the Hollywood Walk of Fame and stopped at Grauman's Chinese Theatre to check out the handprints and footprints of the stars. After walking around outside, our next stop was Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. We had so much fun posing and taking pictures with the celebrity figures inside. it's kind of creepy how real they actually look. After the museum, we took a tour of celebrity homes in Hollywood and Beverly Hills. The houses were amazing! At least the ones we could see were amazing. We drove past Madonna's house but couldn't see anything but the gate. Everything else was surrounded by large trees and shrubs. I guess I can't blame her or other celebrities. All they want is privacy. After our tour, we headed down to Santa Monica beach. Unfortunately, we didn't get to spend too much time there because of the traffic. It took us almost an hour and a half to go 20 miles. Later in the evening, we met up with Evan's high school friend and his wife for dinner. We got to listen to stories from working for a major production company. Let's just say that I was a little jealous!



Finally on Sunday morning, we drove down to San Diego. I thought L.A. was amazing but San Diego was so much better. The city was beautiful and there was so much to do and see. I wish we would have had another day or two to spend there. We checked out a naval museum and walked around the Gaslamp district which had a ton of amazing restaurants and shops. After lunch we took a harbor tour and got to see a bunch of naval and Marine aircraft carriers. After dinner in the harbor, we ended the night with ice cream from the Ghiradelli ice cream store. Perfect ending to a perfect trip!




In other news, I decided to use a HPT yesterday because I had to get shots for my work physical. Unfortunately all I got was a BFN. I was so disappointed and to make matters worse, they made me take a blood test at the hospital just to make sure. Talk about putting another nail in the coffin. I have no signs of AF showing up so maybe I'll test again this weekend if she doesn't show up. I'm not very optimistic that this will be our cycle though. I do have my RE appointment in 2 weeks so hopefully we can figure out a game plan.