I went for a walk around post today to clear my head a little and came to some realizations. I'm losing faith and I'm envious of mothers and mothers-to-be. After struggling to get pregnant for almost 2 years, it finally happens and then our baby is taken away from us 11 weeks later. What have I done in my life that was so horrible that I don't deserve to have a child? Ever since I was a young child, I knew that I always wanted to be a mother. I was born to be a mom. I was always the one to look after the other kids when my brother and his team were off playing soccer. I used to round up the siblings and take them to the playground to play games and explore so the parents could enjoy the game. I started babysitting when I was 13 and loved every minute of it even though the kids were out of control most of the time. I nannied for $3 an hour for almost 12 hours a day one summer which was totally unfair but did it anyway because I loved the kids so much. I went back to school to become a teacher because I want to make a difference in children's lives. I want to be the role model for the children who don't have anyone to look up to.
I don't understand how God decides who deserves to be a parent and who doesn't. My brother, who disowned myself and my family almost 9 years ago, has a little girl. Throughout my childhood, he was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. Why does he deserve a child and I don't? I don't understand how women can have 8 children and I can't even manage to have one? I'm not being greedy. Ideally, I would love to have 3 or 4 children, but if I'm only blessed with one, then so be it. It doesn't seem to matter that I'm physically, emotionally, and financially ready to have and support a family.
I never had a great relationship with God. This may be due to the fact that I had religion shoved down my throat for 12 years but didn't seem to reap the benefits of believing. I had a rough childhood - at home as well as at school. High school and college were also a challenge at times. I really lost almost all that was left when I miscarried. I was pulling out my medical paperwork in preparation for my RE appointment last night and was reading through it. I saw how non-committal and irresponsible my last doctor was. I'm afraid that this is going to happen again. I tell myself that I'm going to be more aggressive with this next doctor. I want to tell him what I want done but I don't know if I'm brave enough to do it. I don't want to have to start over again but it seems like I'm going to have to do it whether I like it or not. I am thankful though that I do have a very supportive husband. He has been there for me throughout this whole ordeal and is willing to do whatever needs to be done. I haven't lost faith completely because he is still here with me, supporting me every step of the way.